I’ve never understood why some people were down during the holidays - until a few years ago.
Once October came around, I started to get all excited about the next few months. Thanksgiving and Christmas were my favorites and I loved to celebrate them with my family.
The decorating was insane. My Mom and I would decorate the whole house with garland and lights. We had a tradition of putting up the tree and all the ornaments every year the day after Thanksgiving. Then we would stuff our faces with leftovers from the Thanksgiving meal followed by our first Christmas movie. It was the best.
How in the world could anyone not love the holidays?
Now I know.
It started when I lost my Dad on November 8th, 2018 - just weeks before Thanksgiving. I don’t even remember celebrating Thanksgiving. He always cooked the turkey. Then he and my Mom would come over the next day and we would decorate and eat leftovers. We didn’t do it that year. It was quiet.
But we got through it.
Then on December 31st, 2019, we found out my husband had pancreatic cancer. I didn’t even know what that meant. Why on earth would the damn doctor tell us on freaking New Year’s Eve?
That was a quiet night.
My husband never told me what stage it was and I didn’t want to know or understand the stages anyway. I actually thought pancreatic cancer wasn’t that bad and it could be cured. Stupid me. I didn’t want to know.
All I knew was that time was limited. Now we had to make every moment count. You would think we would celebrate every moment and be happy. But it was just the opposite. We were mad and everything was forced. How could you smile and laugh when you didn’t know if your husband was going to be there tomorrow?
Let me rephrase that - I was mad. My husband still smiled and was happy to be there.
All I saw was him deteriorating in front of my eyes.
Everything was forced. Decorating became a chore. Why the hell bother?
Dinners were quiet - except when my husband had to excuse himself from the dinner table because he couldn’t process the food.
He LOVED to eat and I loved to cook for him. He still got excited and would fill his plate only to take a few bites and stop. Then he would look at me with those eyes that apologized for not being able to eat. He would get up and that was my cue to take the conversation elsewhere.
Then people would show up. Funny how you ask to be with people you love - family and friends - and they never had the time. Then you get sick and they all of a sudden show up.
And now he’s gone. Another Christmas without him. I haven’t been in the spirit for years. I hope this is the last Christmas I feel this way because he wouldn’t want that.
We lost everything. We lost family, we lost more time.
Which brings me to the point of this story…
Time is the best gift you can give someone. Presents mean shit. Time is everything. Make the best of it.
If you have brothers or sisters who want to be with you and invite you to be with them, make the time while they’re healthy and here.
If you have friends who need you and actually want to be with you, make the time and be with them.
If you have plans to travel or do something you love, make the time while you're healthy.
If someone needs you and you love them, be there for them. Make the time.
If you show up only in the end and were never there otherwise, don’t think the person doesn’t know it. They do.
You know what’s appreciated more than anything to me and my kids? The people who are still showing up and are making the time. The ones who made a promise to my husband and to my kids and kept it.
No names are published here for privacy, but you know who you are.
My kids are my world and your support and love keeps me going every single day. I love you more than anything in this world.
My family who tells me to get up and get going. Tough love is what I need and I get it from them.
My best friend who has been there by my side through everything. He's never left me and has kept that promise to my husband to watch over all of us. Thank you.
My cousin who is there no matter what to do all the things no one else wants to do and never complains. Thank you.
My husband’s best friend (also one of mine) calls me and talks to me every week just to make sure I'm good. We talk forever on the phone and I love him and his family so much. His wife is one of my best friends and she checks in on me and is always smiling.
My husband’s “work wife” takes me out to lunch every week. We talk, we laugh, we cry, we remember and we eat! I love this woman so much and she has helped me so much.
My husband’s friends still take me and my kids to the Boston University vs. University of New Hampshire hockey game every year. They made a promise to Bill and to us that the tradition would continue and they have kept that promise. Those are great friends.
My husband’s business partner who I see often and we chat about Billy and laugh (and cry) at the good times.
My friends who make me laugh and cry and do crazy things. I love you so much.
The couple we met once while on vacation at St. Thomas, still keep in contact with me. They share their travel experiences and they know how to live. I bet if I called them they would be there. Thank you.
To the people I’ve never even met but know of them through social media. They email me or message me and just check in on me. I love you guys. Thank you.
It’s time to move on. I’ll be honest. There’s not even a tree this year. Ornaments are still packed away. It’s another year but this is the last year.
I look at my kids and I don’t want to continue to feel this way. I’m all they have. I need to keep this going. I will do that. I need to show up.
So give me this year. No more. I will do everything in my power to celebrate and make them want to celebrate too. That’s what Bill wanted. He was selfless. He was one of a kind. Actually, he took after his father who was an incredible man as well.
So my friends, if you see someone or know someone who is down during the holidays, give them a call. Go see them. Give them some time. Make them smile, give them a hug, and tell them time heals. Everything will be ok. Everything happens for a reason. Who knows the reason. Maybe it’s to make them realize time is precious. So don’t take advantage of it.
I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I hope you spend time with your family and friends and enjoy the moment.
I am grateful to all of you for giving me your time.
Love to all,
Natalie
