As some of you may know, I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer a few months ago. It’s been a horrific journey and I’ve been healing with my kids. But now, it’s time to move forward. Nothing is gained by sitting staring at walls and wondering, “why did this happen?” Actually, it’s my kids who have been my rock and have pushed me to get going and start living again.
I don’t understand why some may feel the need to suffer forever when experiencing a loss. I picture a widow wearing black and walking around like a zombie. I’ve caught myself sitting in a room just thinking or staring into nothing without the desire to move, eat, or talk. Does that change things? Does that make anything better? No, it doesn’t.
I can’t do that anymore and my kids sure as hell won’t let me. Not only did I experience the loss of my husband, but I also experienced the loss of my life with him. That may not make sense to you but when you’re with someone for 35 years, you go through a lot. With him comes a whole life that we built together, dreams and goals that we shared, and a whole group of people that were part of his life as well as mine. You develop friendships that are shared as a couple but when you’re not a couple anymore, the common link is broken. That’s to be expected. I mean, I totally get it.
But why do I have to sit and cry when I can get out and live? That is what my husband talked about to me months and months before he passed. He wanted me to move forward, to live. In fact, when he found out it was pancreatic cancer, he knew his days were numbered. And with that knowledge, he began to plan.
He did his best to have everything ready and done for me - including his funeral arrangements. Everything was set. He shared he wanted me and the kids to live our best lives and not to waste it mourning. He knew when it was his time he would join his father and my Dad and they would have a hell of a time. And that is what we have to and need to believe in order to make it through the day.
I can’t tell you how many cardinals come and sit on the branches outside our windows or fly right by us in passing. It makes us smile, we say hello, and we go on with our day feeling a little bit better.
If this painful loss has taught me anything, it’s to enjoy the people you love while you have them in your life. Spend time with them or connect with them to let them know they are in your thoughts. Don’t wait for them to get sick before you start paying attention to them because then it is forced and believe me, they know it. Don’t wait for them to pass before you remember them and cry, when you have the opportunity to be with them and laugh. It’s funny how we are, isn’t it?
I can say I did my best to be his best friend and his loving wife. My kids were phenomenal to their father because he gave his time to them and the return on the investment of his time paid off. I have three incredible kids and I know that sounds biased but it’s true. Bill was incredibly proud of them and only wanted them to be happy and to do their best.
He taught them everything he could. He shared his success stories and his mistakes because those taught a valuable lesson. He taught them to present themselves well and to learn because knowledge is power. He taught them to always stay true to their word because a man of their word is a good man. He taught them to be proud of who they are.
I miss my husband. I miss him deeply, but I need to move forward because he made me promise I would. That’s the kind of man he was - always thoughtful, always kind, always selfless.
So, my friends, I’m coming back because it's time to move forward. I’m going to continue to do what I love and that is cook and share my recipes with you. That is a promise I must keep for as long as it makes me happy because I am a woman of my word.
Thank you to all who stayed and were patient with me. Welcome to all who are new. I am looking forward and moving forward.
-x Natalie
Did you make this recipe? Let me know!